One good rule of thumb is, if you get angry with someone, you should always apologize.  Indeed, even if you accidentally hurt someone’s feelings, it is always best to apologize.  Of course, you shouldn’t apologize unless you really mean it and plan to try to avoid such mistakes in the future as much as possible.

In everyday life we apologize to strangers for even the slightest accidents, for instance, stepping on someone’s toes in the elevator.  Apologizing isn’t necessarily admitting you did something wrong if it was truly an accident.  But, it is all the more important to apologize for any loss of temper.

Too many people think apologizing is a sign of weakness.  Quite to the contrary, it is a strength to be able to admit that you have done something wrong.  It is important to apologize for losing your temper, even if the other person lost his temper more than you or started the conflict.  When you lose your temper, you lose the high ground and are no longer able to protest, at least at that moment, the inappropriate behavior of the other person.  It would be like the pot calling the kettle black.  What I have found is that if you apologize and the other person has also done something wrong, they very often will apologize to you for their injustice. Even if they don’t apologize, you prepare them to be receptive to a non-angry protest of their inappropriate behavior at a later time.  Wait a few hours or until the next day and tell him that you apologized and are sorry, but that you think he owes you an apology and that you would really appreciate it.  If even this doesn’t work, be patient.  You have probably still made more progress with him than you think.

Besides controlling your own temper, it is important to be able to keep the other person calm. It is often hard to get or stay angry at someone who doesn’t get angry back.  By staying calm and talking calmly the other person usually calms down as well.  Just as an angry mood is contagious, so also is a calm and rational mood. If someone responds to our aggression by remaining calm, we are likely to become calm, too.  So, I urge you to try to respond to aggression with calmness.  You model calmness through your facial expression, your posture and gestures, what you say and the tone of your voice.

A calm person’s face shows an unwrinkled forehead.  The eyebrows are even and not drawn down or together.  The eyes are open normally, with neither the hard stare, squinting or tensed look of anger, nor the wide open eyes of surprise.  The nose isn’t wrinkled nor are the nostrils flared as in anger.  The lips are parted normally, not pressed together as in silent anger or pulled back as in snarling.  The calm person is more likely sitting than standing.  The arms are relaxed or at one’s sides, not crossed in front.  The hands are open, not in fists.  The legs may be crossed.  The movements are slow and fluid, not fast or jerky.  The head, neck, and shoulders are relaxed, not tense or rigid.  The calm person’s voice is even rather than jumpy; soft or moderate rather than loud; slow or natural deliberate sounds, rather than rapid.  It contains pauses, and avoids shouting, sharpness, or great unevenness.  These are the signs of calmness you should try to show in order to be an effective model of calmness for other people.

The second step in calming the other person consists of doing things to encourage the other person to talk.  Help the other person start explaining why he or she is unhappy and what he or she hopes your combined efforts will bring about.  Effective steps in encouraging others to talk include asking open-ended questions (questions beginning with what, why, or how), responding to the person with encouragement (e.g., "Tell me more." "Mm-hmm."), and other methods.  I will have more to say about this shortly (listening openly, showing understanding, giving reassurance).  These methods all encourage the other person to talk more, as to explain the source his frustration will help calming to occur.  It will also be helpful if, as we do these things to help the other person talk more, we also take other steps to make this increased talk, calm talk.

If two people are angry at each other, a good first calming step is to separate them and deal with each alone first.  When asking open-ended or other questions, ask only one question at a time, and be as specific as possible in what you ask.  Tell the other person that, to be sure you are understanding them, you would like them to talk lower, slower, and more simply.  Also be sure to let the other person know you appreciate his or her frankness, openness and, especially, calmness.

A further step toward calming the other person is listening openly to what he or she is saying. Open listening means you are really trying hard to pay attention to what is being said and you show it.  You look at the other person, nod your head when appropriate, avoid interrupting, face the other person squarely, and lean toward the other person.  Listening openly also means listening carefully, with sensitivity, trying to "read between the lines" to understand most fully what the other person is saying.

As you encourage the other person to talk, and listen openly to what he or she has to say, further calming will occur if you respond by showing you understand what he or she is telling you.  Sometimes this can be done very simply, for example by saying "I see what you mean," "I can understand that," or by making similar statements.

Restating what the other person has said, in your own words, is another way of showing that you are trying to understand and that you are following what they are saying.  It also helps the other person to better think through what he is saying.

Concentrating also on what the other person is feeling beside the content of what he is saying is also important.  Letting the other person know that you realize he is hurt or frustrated or angry and that you understand his frustration can be a major aid to calming angry and upset individuals.  This is called practicing empathy.  You must try very hard to put yourself in the other person’s place.  Ask yourself what that person is feeling and how strongly he or she is feeling it.  In trying to understand the other person’s feelings, notice not only what the person says, but how it is said. Notice the tone, speed and loudness of the words; the breathing rate; stammering; sighing; gestures; posture; facial expressions and other clues that can be relied on to judge the nature and strength of emotions.  When you believe your understanding of the other person’s feelings is accurate, it is often good to communicate it to the other person.

Here are a few examples of restating the content of what the other person has said or reflecting their feelings:

Other person to you: "You shouldn’t have left!"

Your restatement: "You think I was wrong to have left."

or your reflection: "You’re really upset that I left."

Other person to you: "Why did they stop before the end?"

Your restatement: "You think they gave up too easily."

or your reflection: "You feel let down that they didn’t try harder."

Other person to you: "Damn it, they took it and it was mine!

Your restatement: "You think you’ve been cheated."

or your reflection: "You’re really mad, and feel cheated."

People who are angry often haven’t tried less forceful solutions to the problems frustrating them. Or if they have tried non-aggressive tactics, the tactics haven’t worked. You will frequently find it quite helpful in calming such people to reassure them that non-aggressive alternatives do exist, and that you are willing to help the other person try them out.

When it is you that the other person is angry at, your success at encouraging talking or using empathy or being reassuring will all be threatened. The other’s anger toward you decreases his or her willingness to listen openly to you, to believe you, and to feel motivated to cooperate in finding non-aggressive solutions. You must do whatever you can to close the gap between you and the other person, to increase his or her willingness to join you in trying to defeat the problem, not you.

Helping the other person save face makes it easier for him to listen openly, think objectively, compromise, and try to find effective solutions. You do this by making it easier for him to retreat or back off gracefully.  Avoid audiences or cornering or humiliating the other person. Provide him with face-saving rationalizations if it fits.  This means verbalizing the situation from his point of view in some sensible way to avoid humiliation.  For example, "I can understand how frustrated you feel.  I’d probably feel the same way if I were you," or "I can understand how you feel cheated.  You had no easy way of knowing things were otherwise," or "A whole lot of people in your same situation would feel the same way as you."

Control the pace of the other’s concession-giving by not asking for too much too fast.  Most of all, you should try to find some reasonable compromise.  Offer him at least some part of what is being demanded or something similar, if it is at all reasonable and possible.  As always, it is crucial that you remain calm and self-controlled.  Comments by you which are belittling, critical, threatening, or overly impatient may wipe out your otherwise successful attempt to calm the other person.

Be careful not to cause the angry person to feel you are laughing at him for being unable to control his temper.  Continue to be understanding, calming and considerate.

It is actually quite difficult to talk with a person who is angry.  An alternative and usually wiser strategy to trying to calm down an angry person is to temporarily get away from that person.  Give the other person some space.  This is especially true if he is angry at you personally.  If the person is angry at someone else, the above strategies may be quite successful, although even then the angry person first needs to calm down before tackling the issue that he is upset about.  Angry people will often say, "Just leave me alone."  In this instance, they are right on target.  Don't argue.  Just give them some time and space to cool off.  

Often, if the person is angry at you, just your presence will aggravate the situation.  You also risk the danger of getting angry yourself if the angry person verbally abuses you.  If you are able to leave, do so as quietly and inconspicuously as possible.  It might sometimes be a good idea to say that you’ll be available later so the other person knows that you are giving him a chance to calm down and not just avoiding the problem.  Even if the angry person doesn’t want you to go, it is often the best idea to leave for a while.  Obviously, if the angry person is going to hit you if you try to leave, just remain quiet, avoid eye contact, be ready to protect yourself, and watch for an opportunity to slip out.  Anger is a dangerous emotion that is easily inflamed and that can quickly explode into violence.

It is important later to resolve the frustration over which the other person lost his or her self control if at all possible.  This can be done at once if both of you are calm enough or later if one of you is angry.  Getting a second person to help smooth things over can sometimes be helpful.

Please note: Changing a person who gets angry frequently is very difficult.  Such people are almost always best to avoid or to move away from permanently.  While change is possible, in my experience and that of many therapists, such change is uncommon.  Indeed, it is difficult to even get such a person to go to therapy and to work on changing him- or herself.

The American culture is actually a combination of many different values and ways of thinking. Popular culture is that which is most presented in the media.  It often contains conflicting messages.  One message is that psychopaths or criminals often feel no guilt for their criminal behavior.  Their lack of remorse is a hallmark of their illness.  And yet, another message frequently presented in popular advice magazines and TV talk shows is that normal people should not feel guilty for having lost their tempers or for having said something or done something hurtful to another.  Guilt is often treated as a sick emotion that should be avoided.

Actually, feeling guilty is a healthy emotion if you have done something wrong.  It is the voice of your conscience.  It is your message to yourself that you have done wrong and that you should try not to repeat that mistake.  Of course, if you haven’t done anything wrong, you shouldn’t feel guilty, and if the wrong was relatively minor, you should only feel a little guilty.  And excessive guilt can be its own kind of illness.  Victims of repeated violence have often been indoctrinated by the aggressor that they are the cause of the aggression.  These victims often experience guilt where little or no guilt should be present.

Anger is definitely a mistake and something to feel guilty about.  Of course, the little moments of angry thoughts or feelings that occur several times a week for many of us should trigger only very small amounts of guilt.  We should use the guilty feelings to help motivate ourselves to change.   A guilty feeling is a small self-inflicted punishment that you use to try to change inappropriate behavior.  Contrary to what some old-fashioned Freudian therapists claim, guilty is not necessarily an inappropriate emotion.

Many Americans don’t feel guilty when they should, because they don’t realize that their anger was a mistake.  They don’t realize that their verbal aggression against another person was wrong.  Although it may sound like a radical idea to some Americans, children should actually be taught to feel guilty if they have done something wrong.  Although guilt can be overdone and may have been at times in past generations, this is not as common a problem in modern America.  The opposite is more often the case.

A person who loses his or her temper and verbally assaults another person should feel ashamed. This guilt will help him be less likely to attack people in the future.  It will help to keep him out of trouble in the long run.  Again, guilt can be a healthy emotion if we have done something wrong.  Besides feeling guilt when we have done something wrong, remember, when someone else loses his temper, we should very gently try to help him realize that this is shameful and wrong behavior, too.  This, of course, is best done after he or she calms down.

A good rule of thumb is that anger and violence should always be protested, although very carefully and at the right time.  If possible, it is best to protest inappropriate behavior immediately after it occurs.  However, an angry person is rarely receptive to realizing his shortcomings while still angry.  It is almost always best to delay the protest.  This is true if you or the other person is too angry to calm down and talk sensibly about the problem.  An angry protest or even gentle one that triggers an angry response is not an effective protest.

Actually, simply being quiet and getting away from the angry person until he calms down is a very effective type of gentle protest.  The angry person will calm down more quickly and very often realize that he should not have reacted the way he did.  Later, He'll be more open to calmly talking about the problem.

Even if your protest was appropriate and non-angry, if the other person gets angry, you should step back and rethink your actions.  It is probably a good idea to apologize for hurting the other person’s feeling then or later.  Of course, if your protest was gentle and correct, your apology should not suggest that you did anything wrong and you should not back down, but still say that you were sorry it hurt.  Your protest may still have been the best that was possible in the situation and the right thing to do.  Of course, sometimes people have to have their feelings hurt.  Even appropriate punishment does not feel good.  However, we feel at least a little sorry for people who get physically sick or injured, even if their own behavior brought on the sickness.  The same should hold for people who must be punished.

The Teaching Family Home Program from the University of Kansas and Boystown in Nebraska, the largest and best researched family style treatment program for problem adolescents, teaches that you should have a low tolerance for anger and aggression.  This means that it is important to nip the problem behavior in the bud.  Many problem families don’t have a low tolerance for verbal and emotional violence.  These families ignore the problem until it grows to major proportions.  They are not sensitive to the early signs of problem and fail to deal with them when they are small.  The parents then over-react with angry punishment, causing the offender to feel unjustly punished.  The roots of the problem are not addressed and the cycle simply repeats itself.

Having a low tolerance for violence, for example, means teaching your children that little teases are inappropriate, that mild cases of name-calling hurt the feelings of others, that play-fighting tends to lead to real fighting and that other forms of play must be found. By dealing with the smallest forms of angry or violent behavior, punishments can also be kept to an absolute minimum.  Gerald Patterson of the University of Oregon, probably the leading researcher on the treatment of hyperaggressive children, has noted that the more you punish, the more you get punished.  He also notes that angry punishment and massive punishments are much less successful than small and fair punishments given early in potential sequence or chain of problem behaviors and in a calm and gentle manner.

A Japanese custom is to get a third party to point out to an individual what he is doing wrong instead of the person who was wronged confronting that person directly.  This is meant as another way of helping the offender save face.  Helping the other person save face is not making excuses for that person’s mistakes.  It rather helps him understand his mistake better, doing so in a gentle manner so as to hurt the other person as little as possible.  For instance, if someone at work has done something wrong to you, you might talk to a friend of his to have the friend confidentially point out to the person what you think is his error.

This third party technique is actually takes place frequently in marriage counseling and in international diplomacy as well.  For instance, the United States used the services of Switzerland to negotiate with the Iranians for the return of the U.S. embassy captives.  Libya used the Vatican as an intermediary in returning one of the bomber pilots to the U.S. as a goodwill gesture.  The PLO used Sweden as an intermediary, first with American Jews and then with the U.S. government itself.  Sweden went back and forth helping the PLO understand what the U.S. wanted before the U.S. would feel comfortable in opening direct talks with the PLO. Thus, the first meeting with Jewish representatives set a model for the U.S. which the PLO hoped would also be a model for Israel to follow, which in fact did occur.

In one case I have actually used a modification of this technique with a patient who was having serious problems with a large groups of hostile coworkers.  First, he learned that his anger towards that group of coworkers and his giving them the silent treatment was actually causing the problem to fester.  He was hating his enemy.  Under my guidance, he changed his tactic to one of loving his enemy.  He started saying hello to the various members of the group and established a talking relationship with some of the group members with whom it was easier to talk.  This gradually led to a thawing in his relationship with them, which in combination with other factors, helped to resolve his serious work dilemma that almost caused him his job.

What has been discussed up to now is the getting ready or preparatory steps you can take when conflict situations must be dealt with.  Relaxing, controlling yourself, and calming the other person all set the stage for dealing directly and effectively with the causes of the other person’s anger, and the aggressive behavior itself.  Conflict between adults, or between an adult and a young person, is best approached by honest and open problem-solving communication between all involved.  You can resolve the conflict, avoid or eliminate the anger and aggression and minimize the chances they will occur again if you successfully communicate. Communication can focus on the problems or issues causing the conflict; misunderstandings between both of you; your own and the other person’s perceptions and feelings, and especially on the alternative, non-aggressive ways you can deal with the problem situation. This section will describe and illustrate the steps you can take to be an effective communicator, even under stress.

Your Goal

Assume for a moment that you are about to have a serious disagreement with your spouse, your child, or a co-worker.  One of the most important factors in determining the outcome of the argument is how you want it to come out.  Is your goal to win, to beat the other person, to cut him down, to humiliate her?  Remember, your intentions are crucial.  If they are to defeat the other person, if it is you versus them, it is going to be quite difficult to avoid anger and aggression and to solve the problem constructively.  If, however, your goal is to join with (not against) the other person in order to overcome the problem, and not the other person, you are off to a very positive start.

What is meant by overcoming the problem, and not the other person?  It means finding a solution that is positive to both people involved.  Overcoming the problem, not the other person is a win-win communication strategy.  The people involved consider both their own needs and the other person’s and try to join with the other person to find a shared problem solution satisfying to bother of them

This is in contrast to entering into a disagreement with a win-lose goal in mind.  In this situation, you consider only your own needs, you seek to force the other person to see matters your way.  Your goal is an outcome in which you win and he or she loses.  It is much more likely to lead to an angry argument and make matters worse.  I strongly advise against this strategy. Setting a win-win goal is much more likely than a win-lose strategy to lead to reduced tensions, avoid aggression, and find a lasting problem solution.

Preparation

In addition to deciding on your communication goal, there are a number of steps you can take before communicating with a person prone to anger, which will increase your chances of problem-solving success.  Some I discussed earlier, relaxing, controlling yourself, and calming the other person.  Beyond these, I also urge you to:

Plan on dealing with one problem at a time.  Dealing with a person prone to anger, especially when it is directed toward you, at the same time that you try to communicate constructively and also follow a win-win strategy can be a complex task.  To make matters even more complex by trying to settle more than one problem at a time can be very difficult, and increase your chances of failure.  So try to focus on one problem, issue, or complaint at a time.  If more than one are pressing, take them in sequence, one after the other.

Choose the right time and place.  Be careful where and when you try to communicate with sensitive people.  Audiences rarely help, and can be distractions at best, further sources of aggression at worst.  So seek privacy when it is possible.  This can also avoid embarrassment to the other person.  Such an embarrassment would hurt the other person and be a block to problem resolution.  Choose a time and place in which you are not likely to be interrupted (by people, telephone, TV, mealtime), and will be free to finish whatever you start.

Review your plan.  Try to open your mind before opening your mouth.  Consider your own views and feelings.  Why do you think and feel the way you do?  What outcomes do you want?  How can you contribute to a win-win solution?  Why is the other person upset?  What does he or she think and feel?  What is the other person likely to believe in a win-win outcome?  Rehearse what you may say, think of how the other person may respond, and what your next response could be.  Imagine the conversation you are about to have in several different forms.  If a person has gotten angry with you, in thinking about what the angry person has already told you, and what you imagine he or she may tell you, try to remember that what that person says is usually an accurate description of how he or she sees the problem.  However, sometimes the problem raised is not the one bothering the other person, even though he or she may not know it. Always ask yourself before communicating with someone who has gotten angry, "What is really bothering him or her?

You are now ready to actually communicate with the person who had gotten angry with you, your spouse, child, employee, or others.  Following the constructive communication rules will greatly increase the chances that the other person’s anger will be reduced and that the two of you will be able to move rapidly toward a win-win solution.

1. You are human, too.  Just as the other person may have given you a slanted, biased, subjective version of incidents and perceptions, you may be less than 100% objective as well. Try to be aware of your own possible misperceptions, and don’t be reluctant to openly admit them.  An awareness will help you problem solve. Such phrases as "I think that..." or "It seems to me that..." are examples of such openness to the possibility of your own subjectivity.

2. Define Yourself.  Explain the reasons behind your views, your interpretation of events, and your proposed solutions.  Try to be logical, step-wise, and systematic.  Build your case carefully and rationally, being sure to define your ideas, if necessary, as you communicate them.

3. Make sense to the other person.  Keep your listener constantly in mind as you talk, and do everything to make yourself fully understood.  Be complete in your statements, through not long-winded.  Encourage the other person to ask you questions, or check out your meanings. When possible, use the other person’s language and concepts to explain your ideas. Be redundant or repeat yourself as much as necessary.

4. Focus on behavior.  When you describe to the other person your view of what has happened, and what you would like to happen, concentrate on actual actions the person has taken or might take, what was done, where it was done, when it was done, how often it was done, and how much.  If you focus on the person, his or her values, beliefs, intentions, motivations or other inner, unobservable qualities, rather than on things both of you can actually do or see, your chances of progress are reduced.  This is because what can’t be seen (personality, character, intentions) is much, much harder to change than what can be seen (coming in on time, picking up one’s bicycle, spending less money).  Also for many, the focus on behavior rather than personality is far less threatening.

5. Reciprocate.  As you share your thoughts and feelings about the behavior of the other person, be sure to reciprocate.  Tell what you are willing to do, where, when, how.  Be specific and concrete.  Focus on your behavior, not your intentions, motivations, or similar unobservables.  Avoid vague generalizations.  Be especially sure, as you describe the other person’s contribution to the problem, that you also are open about your own contribution to it.

6. Be direct.  Present what you have to say to the other person in a direct, straightforward, non-hostile, and positive manner.  Say what you think, feel, and prefer.  Try to avoid camouflage, editing, half-truths, or hiding what you honestly believe.  Make your needs, expectations, opinions, and feelings as clear as you can.

7. Keep the pressure low.  As you continue to share openly your views with the other person, and your reactions to his or her behavior, your earlier successful calming efforts may start to unravel.  The other person may once again become angry and aggressive.  Again, use your techniques for calming the other person as often as necessary.  The art of finding win-win solutions usually requires rational discussion and calm reflection.  Such solutions do not emerge from shouting or screaming matches.  So, as best you can, continue throughout your entire discussion with the other person to model calmness, encourage talking, listen openly, show understanding, offer reassurance, and help the other person save face.

These procedures will usually work to keep the pressure low and restore calm even after a small flare-up.  If they don’t and the other person becomes angry and aggressive despite your attempt to communicate constructively by direct and open examination of the problem, it is almost always best to temporarily break off communication.  When this happens, declare an intermission and make plans (even an appointment) to resume your discussion at a later, hopefully less volatile time.

This brings up Nathan Azrin’s Positive Statement Procedure.  Azrin has been a leading psychology researcher for a wide variety of problems.  He suggests that we always try to find something positive to say about before delivering any criticism.  The positive comment should be related to the same area that you are criticizing.  For instance, if you are going to criticize your spouse for burning the potatoes, you might praise something else that he or she prepared for that meal.  This makes the criticism more gentle and lets the other person know that you are not just trying to attack him.  It also shows that you notice the good things that the other person does.  It actually changes the way you make criticisms, helping make you a more effective communicator.

Although this Positive Statement Procedure is a habit that takes several weeks to get good at and needs to be constantly practiced, when used consistently it is amazingly effective.  I have found that some people who have serious problems with anger and temper control often have a hard time thinking about anything positive to say to the other person.  Almost every sentence is another criticism.  The tone is blunt and harsh.  It is surprising how many parents fall into this habit when speaking to their children and how many a husband or wife will be insensitive and harsh in criticizing his spouse.

To learn to use the Positive Statement Procedure every time, you need to practice it in your mind over and over.  When another person gets angry at me, I almost always find that I have made some blunt criticism without saying something positive.  I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to mix in the positive with the negative when criticisms have to be made.  The old expression "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" is certainly true and worth remembering.  A blunt criticism without a kind word is a type of emotional violence, often done without thinking.  It is very important to be gentle and loving with our fellow humans, even those who happen to be causing us great frustration.

I suggest that you reread this section periodically during this next year and keep practicing. Getting away from anger and developing good interpersonal skills of communicating love and respect takes time.  And none of us is ever as good as we should really be, myself certainly included.

Lifestyle changes that many people wouldn’t think important for adults are actually of major value in decreasing one’s tendency towards anger.  Fortunately, these changes are healthy for everyone and ones all of us should put into practice.

One of these lifestyle issues is how you entertain yourself.  Believe it or not, the average American spends 24 hours a week watching TV.  Although no one’s viewing is absolutely average, roughly 40% of all American TV and film entertainment is high in glamorized physical and verbal violence.  Perhaps this is one of the reasons why American children (and probably adults) have been found to have much more difficulty controlling their tempers than children in Thailand or China.

How we chose our entertainment is important.  In one study of college-educated husbands, UCLA researchers found that during one week of watching assigned television entertainment without violence, the average husband lost his temper 37% less often than the husbands who had been assigned to watch violent programs or told to just keep watching their usual favorite shows, a fair portion of which were high in violence (Gorney, 1977). The typical American watches between six and 15 hours of violent entertainment per week on television and at the movie theater.

Most people don’t realize that the most common outward effect of TV violence on normal viewers is an increase in everyday anger or loss of temper.  In the above UCLA study, the wives kept diaries listing any time their husbands became irritated or angry, e.g. slamming the door, yelling at the kids, hitting the dog, etc.  In the control groups the average husband got angry 3 1/2 times during the week.  In the groups assigned to watch non-violent or positive TV programming, the average was only 2 1/2 times.  This is such a small difference that few people would really be able to notice it without keeping careful records.  But this difference, week after week, really adds up.  Numerous other studies both short-term and long-term on both children and adult viewers report finding similar harmful effects.  Three U.S. Surgeon Generals have recommended that Americans give up entertaining themselves with violence for their own emotional well-beings.  The U.S. Attorney General’s Task Force on Family Violence concluded in 1984 that research information was becoming overwhelming that both normal adult and children viewers are unconsciously and harmfully affected by violent entertainment.

I strongly encourage my patients and you the reader to give up TV police and detective programs, gung-ho war movies, horror and revenge films, boxing and professional wrestling, and similar violent programming.  Most children’s cartoons contain sizeable amounts of violence.  Even older cartoons like Popeye, Bugs Bunny, Roadrunner, Batman, and The Three Stooges have been found to have small but significant harmful effects on normal children (Radecki, 1985).  Books with violent themes are also very likely to have desensitizing effects on normal adult readers making them more prone to loss of temper in small but important ways (Radecki, 1988).  Pornography, even pornography without physical or verbal violence, falls into this category, because its very inaccurate and callous portrayal of male and female sexuality leads to an increased insensitivity to one’s real partner’s feelings.  This effect has been found in both normal male and female viewers (Zillman, ).

Sports violence, like other types of TV violence has been found to cause some significant harmful effects on viewers.  Twenty out of 20 studies on the viewing of boxing have documented harmful effects on adolescent or adult viewers (Radecki, 1988).  Three out of three studies on pro-wrestling have found the same thing.  In one study of college students, this occurred even though 90% of the students realized that pro-wrestling was faked.  They were still more likely to lose their tempers afterward than students who had been randomly assigned to attend a volleyball game.  Ice hockey viewing, especially the fights and illegal roughness, has been found to increase a person’s tendency towards loss of temper.  The effect also is effected by how much the viewer enjoys watching such roughness.

Although I don’t mean to offend committed fans and athletes, even American football also appears to fall into the harmful category.  Although football appears less violent than boxing, pro-wrestling or the fights of ice hockey, it is still less than ideal with nine of 10 studies finding at least some measurable harmful effects.  The effects may be quite small. It may mean only a slightly increased tendency towards loss of temper for the day or two following the game.  Still, this adds up.  If you must watch football, at least give yourself messages during the game when the announcer praises a player for his hard hitting that this is not a healthy part of the game.

Meanwhile, baseball, swimming, tennis, volleyball, track and others have not been found to have a harmful effect except for the viewing of any fighting that may breakout during a ballgame or due to an element of hostile competition.  Athletes in these non-violent sports have actually been found to have better control of their tempers than the average person.  Researchers have speculated that this may be due to their better physical shape and perhaps having learned to control themselves under stress (Radecki, 1984).

There may be times when violence in entertainment is appropriate for mature viewers.  This is when the violence is being portrayed in a manner to help the viewer understand its true harmful effects.  A good understanding of anger and violence helps the intelligent viewer know the relatively rare occasions when violence is being portrayed correctly.  When a program teaches the viewer to understand their enemies and to see them as real human beings worthy of human consideration and respect, when a program teaches the viewer about the true destructiveness of anger and violence in human life, when it makes us more sensitive to real-life human violence rather than less sensitive, then it is having a positive impact.

Some small amount of entertainment does deal correctly with violence.  The movie Gandhi, the television documentary The Holocaust, about the Nazi genocide, the novel All’s Quiet on The Western Front all portray violence realistically.  However, when programs stray from reality, from seeing the violence from an impartial point of view as well as the point of view of the victims, not just the warriors, they tend to glamorize the violence and use it to stimulate excitement.

Few people realize how exaggerated the violence is on most TV police dramas.  For instance, in 18 episodes of Miami Vice, the TV hero cops killed five times as many people(43) as the entire Miami police force in a full year of police work(8).  The two TV hero "killer cops" killed people at a rate more than 12,000 times higher than real-life police officers.   While TV’s heroic cops and private eyes fire their guns almost every episode, in real-life, the average Chicago police officer fires his gun only once every 27 years!  In 1986 the Chicago police reported they had managed to convince the last 96 hostage holders to surrender without anyone getting hurt once the police realized what was happening.  Violence just doesn’t work in real-life police work.  It also makes bad entertainment for viewers of any age.

Other types of violent entertainment are also almost certain to cause both a small, but significant, desensitization to violence and a similar increase in your tendency to anger in stressful situations.  These include violent videogames (Radecki, 1988), war games and fantasy role-playing games (e.g. Dungeons & Dragons) (Radecki, 1987), war toys, violent comic books, and music with violent themes or imagery, e.g. the large majority of heavy metal music.  It is just as important to be concerned about the materials damaging to your mental well-being as it is be to concerned about small but harmful long-term influences on your physical well-being like tobacco, salt, cholesterol and other substances.

Taking violence seriously means eliminating symbols that glamorize violence, for example, heavy metal tee-shirts, war toy underwear, toy guns, etc.  Many people have a hard time giving up their favorite forms of entertainment and protest that they are not violent or that they need to be violent in order to protect themselves.  They think that as long as you know a TV program is not realistic, that there is nothing wrong with entertaining yourself with a good horror, murder or rape-and-revenge program.  However, extensive research shows that viewers are harmfully affected in small, but subtle ways no matter what their ages or levels of sophistication.  The important element is not whether you realize that the program is unrealistic, but whether you entertain yourself with fantasies of violence.  The impact may only be getting angry or losing your temper three times a week or three times a month instead of twice a week or twice a month.  The impact may only be a small increase in the tendency to physically or verbally strike your child or spouse, but these small consequences can and do become quite significant over a lifetime.